EMPTY SEATS, TASTELESS POPCORN AND DOUBLE-O-7

I am not going to beat around the bush here, this movie was bad, hopelessly bad.

Spoiler alert: I could very well be putting out everything about the movie except the climax (which is non-existent by the way) so if you are planning to watch the movie in theatres any time soon, pls stay away.

For the others out there who’ve already read the reviews and are smart enough to wait for the official dvd *cough, torrent.. cough* to come out, read on!

The movie starts off in true Bond style with a stylish chase sequence, Daniel Craig in pursuit of the hard disk containing the secret identities of all MI6 agents which is currently in the villain’s possession. Only, what starts off as brilliantly captivating catapults into something that leaves little to the imagination. In true kollywood style, cars are driven through narrow market lanes and there’s an impromptu fruit salad in mid air as the cars go crashing through them. The cars are later abandoned for bikes as the chase is taken to the rooftops.

After they’ve ridden over half the city’s rooftops, the action shifts to a train *who would have guessed* because behold, this movie is clichés galore! In a critical moment where the hard disk is about to be lost forever, a shot is taken on M’s orders and in a moment of unkollywoodism, Bond goes hurtling down the bridge, down a waterfall and is pronounced dead as ADELE’s theme SKYFALL takes over. And as is the case in most masala Indian movies, when Bond is pronounced dead, it starts raining! Tch tch…

Switching to fast forward mode, the MI6 headquarters is bombed, M’s laptop is hacked and the contents of the hard drive are put up on the net. Just when you thought its all over, the camera shifts to a remote island where Daniel Craig is seen in bed with a woman whom we only assume was the one who saved him. So, as was the case in roughly 427 of vijaykanth’s movies, James Bond is back from the dead!

Innumerable mundane scenes later, Bond is back on the field, doing what he does best- traveling to a country on the other side of the globe(in this case, shanghai), taking down super villains and getting into the shower with one of the leading ladies, because fuck logic, this is Bond, James Bond.

In true “ponnunga pinaadi poanaa oooo oooo dhaan!” style, James Bond gets himself arrested but eventually manages to arrest the scheming super villain SILVA.

After various other mundane and a rather stunning train-through-the-subway sequences (visually brilliant), Bond takes M to Skyfall *wink wink*, his residence back when he was 4 and didn’t have rippling muscles and a 6 pack. They try and assemble ammunition but all they have are two hunting rifles, a hand gun, some old dynamite and a knife which the housekeeper delivers with a “sometimes, it’s the old things that work best” dialogue. Yes, you know then and there that the knife is what is gonna take down silva.

What ensues is a typical vijay movie climax as a god damned helicopter is taken down in the gas explosion but the villain survives unscathed. Logic is lost as the villain finally succumbs to a single flick of the knife and M also drops dead in Bond’s hands *mother sentiment, rolls eyes*.

The movie ends with LORD VOLDEMORT taking over as the new M and Daniel Craig being given a new assignment, which I am only assuming is to find a better script/director for his next movie, because for all the expectations surrounding the movie, it sure sucked big time!

P.S. I know I might be a bit harsh here but I think my foul mood had something to do with the theatre we went to. AGS CINEMAS, VILLIVAKAM. How often do you see just 15 people in the entire theatre on the 2^nd day of a Bond movie! That, and the bad food too.

Until next time,

ADIOS!